Loneliness

Starting university is a time full of new people. New housemates, new coursemates and if you’re someone who goes to church, a whole church full of strangers. It's a great time for making friends.

And yet, for many this is one of the most isolating times.

Every person's story is different. We each come from a different home life and background, and the story we have shared here is just one example. But the God who loves you and meets you in your loneliness is exactly the same, and so I hope the comfort Tilly (name changed) found in Jesus during this season of loneliness can offer hope for you too.

Tilly’s story begins, ‘When I went to university to study Fine Art, I was really excited about the independence I was about to experience. Things actually started off really well. Student accommodation seemed really fun, I was excited about the new course and just generally felt on the high of starting something new.

‘However, a few weeks after starting, I began to struggle. Because of my big family, I was used to always being with people. I felt very isolated and very frustrated with everything. I’d made friends, but I longed for deep friendship.

I felt very isolated and very frustrated with everything. I’d made friends, but I longed for deep friendship.

‘I felt like I was being 10 million different people all at once, adapting my personality to try to get along with whoever was in front of me, and never really relaxing or being myself. I remember being with friends and drinking too much, then seeing someone I knew from CU and thinking they would be disgusted by who I really was. I was eating myself up on the inside, saying mean things to myself all day.

‘I was desperate to share with someone how I was feeling, but I was too scared to open up in case people would find me weird. This was during lockdown and everyone in my flat was having a really hard time. I felt like my problems weren’t worth bothering anyone with compared with what other people were going through. It was a vicious cycle.’

The frustration Tilly expresses here is one that I think is familiar for a lot of us. Being around people is fine. But what we really want is to be fully known and fully loved.

What we really want is to be fully known and fully loved

It is really, really hard to just 'be yourself'. The feeling Tilly expresses here of putting on ‘10 million’ different personalities is one that exposes something that can be in all of us. We want to fit in, we want to be loved and we want to be accepted. But the truth is, there is so much about us that we don’t like. Parts of us we don’t want people to see. We chop and change and mould hoping that those around us might accept that part of us. But to be fully and truthfully ourselves is terrifying. If, like Tilly you’re fortunate enough to come from a home, or from friendships where you have had this freedom, moving away into new relationships can be really scary.

Tilly says, ‘One of the things that helped was realising the root of all of this was me finding my fulfilment in other people. Realising this didn’t solve things instantly, but naming it meant I could address the issue directly. A verse that helped me at the time was Galatians 1:10, ‘Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.’

Maybe to you this sounds a bit glib. It’s hard, isn’t it, to find security in the love of Christ when so often a hug from a roommate or an invite to a party feels so much more tangible. Maybe you’re not a Christian and that just sounds like nonsensical comforts. But what does Tilly mean by this?

The Psalms are a book of prayers and songs in the Bible. In Psalm 139:1-6 the Psalmist writes:

Here the Psalmist paints the most beautiful picture of being fully seen and understood. He finishes by saying, ‘Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain’.

As Christians, we believe that the Creator of the universe made us too. The crafter of waterfalls and galaxies made me and you. And He didn’t just finish there, but He sees us. Truly sees us. From our lying down to our getting up, He is there loving and seeing us perfectly.

He is there loving and seeing us perfectly

The psalmist goes on to say verses 7-10,

‘Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.’

Tilly expressed a feeling that she didn’t want to bother anyone with her struggles. But the truth is, she couldn’t hide them from God even if she tried. You can’t bother Him.

When asked what her advice would be to someone now feeling the way she did Tilly said, ‘It’s really, really hard to be honest with people, but find at least one person you can be completely honest with. I wish I had then, and now that I have, it’s been a massive help. Reach out to someone even if it is just a text. If I went back, I wish I had messaged my youth leader from my home church, someone who wasn’t brand new. Now I realise it would have been wonderful for God to use that person to help me. God loves you. He sees you fully and He loves you perfectly. Trying to see myself how God sees me in Jesus helped me to see His compassion for me, and that He didn’t want me treating myself that way. He saw my heart even if I wasn’t telling anyone anything. He is a constant friend.'