Doubt

For many of us, doubt is part of the Christian life. But if you’re in that space, knowing this doesn’t make it easier. We face so many questions and some of these can feel even more in-your-face when you first get to university.

You’ve moved away from a consistent home, church and family. Maybe it’s the first time you’re really stepping into your own faith. There is no one to keep pulling you along and now you have to think for yourself. It’s a time full of decision making and sometimes that freedom doesn’t feel exciting — sometimes it can feel really scary and lead to scary questions.

Was I brainwashed by my Christian upbringing? How can I tolerate the concept of hell? Is Christianity really plausible when there are so many options?

In this article we aren’t going to be able to address every doubt you may have. If you are looking for answers for particular questions, bethinking.org is a great place to start.

What we hope to offer here is assurance that your experience with doubt does not disqualify you from God's love.

your experience with doubt does not disqualify you from God's love

Someone who knows a taste of this is Tabitha, who has just finished an apprenticeship year, Relay, with the Christian Union in Chichester.

Tabitha grew up in a Christian home. Regarding faith, childhood was a breeze and she was aware of the sense that she was perceived as a ‘nice Christian girl’ by fellow church members. Through school Tabitha experienced very few struggles with her faith. She even enjoyed being asked tough questions about Christianity by friends! Tabitha had experienced the occasional wobble because of a lack of 'conversion moment', yet even then remembers thinking, ‘I can doubt my salvation, but I will never doubt the existence of God.'

Tabitha got baptised, and everything was great.

Things changed for Tabitha in the lead up to university. She describes that through the summer her doubts concerning her own salvation and relationship with God became worse. As her anxiety increased, her thoughts about the state of her own heart and capacity for sin terrified her. As university drew closer still, she remembers thinking, ‘Oh my word, this could have all been a lie’.

As she began struggling with questions about the existence of God, she felt her one constant suddenly slipping away.

Tabitha’s experience isn’t uncommon. There is so much change and apprehension in those months as students head off to uni. Feelings of being uprooted are common and the enemy loves to use to poke at us. One of the ways he does this is through the deep feelings of shame doubt can cause.

'No one spoke about doubt. I always believed that the opposite of faith is doubt. So if I was having doubts about Jesus I thought I couldn’t be a Christian,' Tabitha shares.

She hoped that when she arrived at university, she would be able to leave her doubts behind her. That once she was plugged into CU and church, everything would be ok.

Instead, the doubts came with her, but now her support network was gone and she was struggling with bad mental health. Her anxiety and her doubt seemed to feed off one another. She couldn’t stop intrusive thoughts of unworthiness, questioning and fear. And the more she experienced doubts in this sense, the worse her anxiety became. When all she wanted was certainty, her questioning was an unwelcome intruder.

‘I don’t know what terrified me more, the idea that Christianity wasn’t true or the idea that it was true and I didn’t have enough faith to claim the title’.

I wonder if this is how you are feeling now? Every story is unique, but maybe there is something here that resonates with you. Maybe you’re feeling like an imposter because each Sunday morning you feel like you’re faking it when you sing worship. Maybe you’ve not yet made it to church because you don’t want to face all the questions again. Or maybe you’re feeling like the comfort and joy your faith in Jesus once offered has been replaced with grappling and disorder, and if you’re honest you just want to pack it in.

When asked what made the difference for her, Tabitha said, ‘By the grace of God, by the end of first year I got to a place where I knew again that my salvation was nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jesus. I still had doubts, but as I opened up to people at church about this, I realised it’s not the size of your faith that matters, it's the size of the God you put it in

‘I’d spent all this time looking at myself and my lack of faith, my sinfulness and my brokenness. But we are saved through faith. It’s not faith itself that saves it’s all Jesus.

My prayer over and over again has been “I believe, help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24). This is my favourite verse in the Bible.’

Tabitha spoke about this realisation with visible joy. She, like so many, still lives with doubts. But in spite of her uncertainty she chooses to follow Jesus.

‘When the disciples say, “to whom shall we go? You alone have the words of eternal life” (John 6:68), this is the same place I got to. Jesus is the only place to go and find acceptance despite my doubts and despite my uncertainty.’

That is the beauty of the Gospel. We see this is true time and time again as Jesus gently interacts with disciples like Thomas and Peter who can't quite grasp who He is. After his resurrection when Thomas can't believe Jesus has truly risen, He allows him to touch His scars. And what does Jesus say then?

Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.' (John 20:29)

Friend, it is ok to doubt. It is painful, and frustrating and sometimes feels like an uphill climb. But it does not mean you're not a Christian. Doubt is not the opposite of faith.

Like Tabitha, it is possible to love Jesus and follow Him and still grapple with doubts and questions. See if you can find someone to talk to about it. Suddenly when you do, you will realise you’re not on your own.